Floppyshop 2/Floppyshop - 2.zip/Floppyshop - 2.iso/diskmags/0022-3.564/dmg-3413/news.txt/mayonase.asc

Text File | 1989-04-05 | 12KB | 201 lines

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            ~  A FEAST OF WORDS UNDER THE MAYONNAISE SYSTEM  ~
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            ~   John Lichfield in Vermont visits a library   ~
            ~  devoted to unpublished books, where fact and  ~
            ~        fiction are propped up by jars.         ~
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     Here  is  the plot of one of the world's rarest  books,  "Sure  Beats
Watching Trains", by Jeffrey Dwyer.  While on holiday in Arizona, a burnt-
out shoe salesman called Stuart Williams is possessed by an alien from the
planet Trulla.   Together they form a "complete human tomato".   Stuart is
the  shell;  J.  Edgar Beaks,  who is exploring Earth armed only with  the
information from old episodes of "I Love Lucy",  is "the insides, the guts
of a tomato, the tomato guk".

     The human-alien tomato's cigarette consumption rockets;  he/it  falls
in love with "the lovely Pam".   For Pam's sake,  Stuart forces the  alien
Beaks out of his mind and body.   This is an error.   Stuart is "left with
an  empty feeling.....  He has become the shell of a tomato.   The guk  is
gone."

     Search  as  you might,  you will not find this cautionary tale  in  a
bookshop.    To  read  more,  you  must  make  a  literary  pilgrimage  to
Burlington,  Vermont,  and visit the only library in America and  possibly
the world that is devoted to unpublished books.

     The  Brautigan  Library  is  a  case of  life  imitating  art  -  the
realisation of an idea in a novel by the late, great, counter-conventional
writer  Richard  Brautigan,  author of of "Trout Fishing in  America"  and
other works.   The library consists of one room behind a reading  balcony,
behind  the  Vermont Institute of Massage Therapy,  at the rear of  a  car
park   (with  striking  views  over  Lake  Champlain  to  the   Adirondack
mountains).

     Among the 300 other titles to be found here are:

     "In  search  of  Missing  Socks",   a  book  about  an  investigative
television programme that takes to exploring real-life mysteries,  such as
what happens to missing socks;

     "Theories of Father",  a video-image script novel, narrated by a fly,
with help from Ed Sullivan;

     "Women  With  Funny  Haircuts  and Men  Who  Make  Fun  of  Them",  a
collection of prose and poetry by a high-school class in California;

     "Rory  Stories,  Volumes  1 and 2",  the humourous  adventures  of  a
talking Shetland sheepdog called Rory O'More, set in Boston;

     and  "A  Life Without Porpoise",  a book about the meaning  of  life.
(The author,  Ray Sikorski,  asks any reader who finds the answer to  ring
him and tell him what page it is on.  "It's only a local call - 870 7218 -
so  I don't think anyone would mind much if you use the phone  behind  the
librarian's desk.")

     The founder of the library, Tom Lockwood, 42, runs a recording studio
in  Burlington.   Mr Lockwood was much impressed by Brautigan as  a  young
man,  and  especially by one book,  "The Abortion:  A  Historical  Romance
1966",  about  a hippy librarian who keeps a library of unpublished  books
in San Francisco.   Brautigan,  who committed suicide in 1984 (in  protest
against  the Reagan era,  according to some of his friends) wrote  of  his
fictional   library:   "This  library  came  into  being  because  of   an
overwhelming need and desire for such a place.   There simply had to be  a
library like this."

     The real-life Brautigan Library, a non-profit institution, staffed by
volunteers,  came into being two years ago as Mr Lockwood's tribute to the
author.   The  principles  of  the library  are  simple.   Any  previously
unpublished  book  in the English  language  is  welcome.   Self-published
vanity publications are admitted.   No book is rejected on the grounds  of
content,  however  obscure,  personal,  tedious,  badly written -  in  the
conventional sense - or explicitly erotic.

     "Definitely  not",  said  Mr  Lockwood.   "Our policy is  not  to  be
judgemental.   We'd much rather have a special work, a slice of real life,
even  with rough edges to it,  than some kind of  formula  novel,  written
according to the principles taught in grammar class.

     "Our belief is that there is a lot of work out there,  some  written,
some  not yet written,  which is worth reading,  but doesn't happen to  be
publishable.   It may be a difficult concept to grasp in today's money and
success-oriented world,  but just because a work has no marketable  value,
it is not in itself worthless."

     The  most tenacious writer in the library is  Albert  E.  Helzner,  a
retired engineer from Marble Head, Massachusetts, whose work extends to 20
titles (plus several written under a pseudonym).   His books are sprawling
contributions  to  the Western tradition  of  intellectual  thought,  with
titles like, "365 Bits of Wisdom to Enrich Your Daily Life", "The World is
Wrong",  and "The Ongoing Condition of The Universe".  There is much in Mr
Helzner which makes sense; much that is puzzling; much that is humourous.

     Here  is  an extract from his "Some Observations About the  World  We
Live  In".   It describes a day in the life of two wildebeest called  Fred
and Charlie.  "Time to wake up.  I guess I'll stay close to Fred today and
follow the herd.   Plenty of food here.   Chomp.  Chomp.  Chomp...  What's
the  excitement over there?    There's a band of jackals in the  distance.
They don't seem to be interested in us.   Chomp.   Chomp.   Chomp...  They
caught me.  Help me Fred...  I'm down.  One's got me by the thr..."

     Books  in  the  Brautigan Library are  classified  according  to  the
Mayonnaise  System,  named  after Brautigan's love affair  with  the  word
mayonnaise.   The  Mayonnaise  System  does not  recognise  a  distinction
between  fiction  and non-fiction.   It divides books  in  13  categories:
family,  natural world, spirituality, love, humour, the future, adventure,
street  life,  war and peace,  social/political/cultural,  the meaning  of
life,  poetry  and "all the rest".   The writer selects his own  category.
Books  are  propped  up on the shelves by  jars  of  Hellmans  mayonnaise.
Authors are given a certificate of admission,  with a gold seal, showing a
mayonnaise jar.

     Each  book contains an introduction - of 100 words or less -  by  the
author.   One,  by Allan Nicholls,  a Canadian living in New York, sums up
the  spirit of the library.   "In grade IV in Montreal on Fridays  we  had
'spelling'  in our good books with long fountain pens...   We were  marked
on neatness,  correctness of spelling and penmanship.  For some reason the
horror  of  this  event  for  me  manifested  itself  in  an   incredible,
unstoppable,  shaking of my hand.   The introduction of the ball-point pen
two  years  later  freed me totally of the 'shakes' and  I  dedicate  this
collection  to that freedom."  The title of the book is "Allan -  You  May
Use Your Ballpoint Now".

     The  Brautigan's books can only be read on the premises and  only  at
weekends:  there are no lending rights.   Visitors come from all over  the
United States.   On some weekends a couple of of dozen might turn  up,  on
other weekends, especially in the winter, none at all.

     Browsing  through  the  collection  is  an  illuminating  experience:
sometimes moving, sometimes hilarious, sometimes like talking to a deluded
person at a bus stop.   Works include the breathless "Cynthia and the Blue
Cat's  Last  Meow" by Jeff May ("We stood on the edge,  our  naked  bodies
white  in  the white moonlight,  lingering.   Cynthia took  my  hand...").
Another,  by  Richard  F G Grant,  is a proposal for for a form  of  space
travel with improved mileage per gallon:  "Theory,  Design and Application
of a Photocombustion Reactor".

     One English work is "Moon Harvest" by E J Nickson of London,  a novel
set  in a world in which Atlantis survived to become the  dominant  power.
"If  it  is found to be too confusing,  Chapter Seventeen can  be  omitted
without  losing  track of critical events in the  narrative",  Mr  Nickson
writes helpfully.  "But I would not recommend it."

     Chapter  Seventeen,  "From Archive to Woodlouse",  has long  passages
discussing  the nature of reality:  "So is it that  this  'super-universe'
which our real world forms part of,  or is a cross-section of, is the more
real   [or]  is it that this is reality,  even though  we  can't  directly
experience it?

     "Lloyd stroked his chin:  'I don't know that I can give you a  simple
answer to that one'."

     Several books are of near-publishable quality, moving, but hopelessly
uncommercial, wry or touching reminiscences of ordinary lives.  One of the
best  is "Autobiography of a Nobody" by Mrs Etherly Murray.   "Growing  up
during the depression wasn't so bad - we ate a lot of onion  sandwiches...
I grew up in Altoona,  Pennsylvania.  Luckily, Hitler's plans to bomb this
important railroad town were aborted..."

     Mrs Murray, a widow who had never heard of Brautigan, hawked her book
around the publishers for years.   "I always thought I had a book in  me",
she said by telephone.   "I sent the book to,  oh I don't know,  maybe  40
publishers.  They were very nice.  They said that they liked it and all of
that but there was no sale for it because nobody had heard of me... It can
break your heart.  When I heard about the library in Vermont, I sent it to
them.  At least I had something for all my work."

     The library depends entirely on word of mouth,  and news stories,  to
reach potential contributors.   The arrival rate of manuscripts has slowed
somewhat in the second year, but each mention in the press brings in a new
trickle of enquiries.   Mr Lockwood says further books from England  would
be  especially welcome.   (Tel:  [phone].  PO  Box  521,  Burlington,
Vermont, 05402, USA.  Enclose $2.00 to receive a writer's kit.)

     There  are tentative plans afoot in Hollywood to make a  movie  about
the  Brautigan Library - a love story.   If the project  goes  ahead,  art
would be imitating life imitating art.   Mr Lockwood believes that Richard
Brautigan might have approved of that.


                                 THE INDEPENDENT ON SUNDAY, 14/06/92


     Richard  Brautigan was born in the Pacific North-West  in  1935,  and
lived  in San Francisco.   His novels include "Trout Fishing in  America",
"In  Watermelon  Sugar",  "A  Confederate  General  From  Big  Sur",  "The
Abortion:  A  Historical Romance 1966",  "The Hawkline Monster:  A  Gothic
Western", "Willard and his Bowling Trophies", "Somrero Fallout: a Japanese
Novel"  and "Dreaming of Babylon".   He has also written "Revenge  of  the
Lawn",  a collection of short stories, and "The Pill Versus the Springhill
Mining Disaster",  a book of poems.   I don't know if it's still true, but
his books used to be published in paperback by Picador.    JFW


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