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1989-04-05
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ ~
~ A FEAST OF WORDS UNDER THE MAYONNAISE SYSTEM ~
~ ~
~ John Lichfield in Vermont visits a library ~
~ devoted to unpublished books, where fact and ~
~ fiction are propped up by jars. ~
~ ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is the plot of one of the world's rarest books, "Sure Beats
Watching Trains", by Jeffrey Dwyer. While on holiday in Arizona, a burnt-
out shoe salesman called Stuart Williams is possessed by an alien from the
planet Trulla. Together they form a "complete human tomato". Stuart is
the shell; J. Edgar Beaks, who is exploring Earth armed only with the
information from old episodes of "I Love Lucy", is "the insides, the guts
of a tomato, the tomato guk".
The human-alien tomato's cigarette consumption rockets; he/it falls
in love with "the lovely Pam". For Pam's sake, Stuart forces the alien
Beaks out of his mind and body. This is an error. Stuart is "left with
an empty feeling..... He has become the shell of a tomato. The guk is
gone."
Search as you might, you will not find this cautionary tale in a
bookshop. To read more, you must make a literary pilgrimage to
Burlington, Vermont, and visit the only library in America and possibly
the world that is devoted to unpublished books.
The Brautigan Library is a case of life imitating art - the
realisation of an idea in a novel by the late, great, counter-conventional
writer Richard Brautigan, author of of "Trout Fishing in America" and
other works. The library consists of one room behind a reading balcony,
behind the Vermont Institute of Massage Therapy, at the rear of a car
park (with striking views over Lake Champlain to the Adirondack
mountains).
Among the 300 other titles to be found here are:
"In search of Missing Socks", a book about an investigative
television programme that takes to exploring real-life mysteries, such as
what happens to missing socks;
"Theories of Father", a video-image script novel, narrated by a fly,
with help from Ed Sullivan;
"Women With Funny Haircuts and Men Who Make Fun of Them", a
collection of prose and poetry by a high-school class in California;
"Rory Stories, Volumes 1 and 2", the humourous adventures of a
talking Shetland sheepdog called Rory O'More, set in Boston;
and "A Life Without Porpoise", a book about the meaning of life.
(The author, Ray Sikorski, asks any reader who finds the answer to ring
him and tell him what page it is on. "It's only a local call - 870 7218 -
so I don't think anyone would mind much if you use the phone behind the
librarian's desk.")
The founder of the library, Tom Lockwood, 42, runs a recording studio
in Burlington. Mr Lockwood was much impressed by Brautigan as a young
man, and especially by one book, "The Abortion: A Historical Romance
1966", about a hippy librarian who keeps a library of unpublished books
in San Francisco. Brautigan, who committed suicide in 1984 (in protest
against the Reagan era, according to some of his friends) wrote of his
fictional library: "This library came into being because of an
overwhelming need and desire for such a place. There simply had to be a
library like this."
The real-life Brautigan Library, a non-profit institution, staffed by
volunteers, came into being two years ago as Mr Lockwood's tribute to the
author. The principles of the library are simple. Any previously
unpublished book in the English language is welcome. Self-published
vanity publications are admitted. No book is rejected on the grounds of
content, however obscure, personal, tedious, badly written - in the
conventional sense - or explicitly erotic.
"Definitely not", said Mr Lockwood. "Our policy is not to be
judgemental. We'd much rather have a special work, a slice of real life,
even with rough edges to it, than some kind of formula novel, written
according to the principles taught in grammar class.
"Our belief is that there is a lot of work out there, some written,
some not yet written, which is worth reading, but doesn't happen to be
publishable. It may be a difficult concept to grasp in today's money and
success-oriented world, but just because a work has no marketable value,
it is not in itself worthless."
The most tenacious writer in the library is Albert E. Helzner, a
retired engineer from Marble Head, Massachusetts, whose work extends to 20
titles (plus several written under a pseudonym). His books are sprawling
contributions to the Western tradition of intellectual thought, with
titles like, "365 Bits of Wisdom to Enrich Your Daily Life", "The World is
Wrong", and "The Ongoing Condition of The Universe". There is much in Mr
Helzner which makes sense; much that is puzzling; much that is humourous.
Here is an extract from his "Some Observations About the World We
Live In". It describes a day in the life of two wildebeest called Fred
and Charlie. "Time to wake up. I guess I'll stay close to Fred today and
follow the herd. Plenty of food here. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp... What's
the excitement over there? There's a band of jackals in the distance.
They don't seem to be interested in us. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp... They
caught me. Help me Fred... I'm down. One's got me by the thr..."
Books in the Brautigan Library are classified according to the
Mayonnaise System, named after Brautigan's love affair with the word
mayonnaise. The Mayonnaise System does not recognise a distinction
between fiction and non-fiction. It divides books in 13 categories:
family, natural world, spirituality, love, humour, the future, adventure,
street life, war and peace, social/political/cultural, the meaning of
life, poetry and "all the rest". The writer selects his own category.
Books are propped up on the shelves by jars of Hellmans mayonnaise.
Authors are given a certificate of admission, with a gold seal, showing a
mayonnaise jar.
Each book contains an introduction - of 100 words or less - by the
author. One, by Allan Nicholls, a Canadian living in New York, sums up
the spirit of the library. "In grade IV in Montreal on Fridays we had
'spelling' in our good books with long fountain pens... We were marked
on neatness, correctness of spelling and penmanship. For some reason the
horror of this event for me manifested itself in an incredible,
unstoppable, shaking of my hand. The introduction of the ball-point pen
two years later freed me totally of the 'shakes' and I dedicate this
collection to that freedom." The title of the book is "Allan - You May
Use Your Ballpoint Now".
The Brautigan's books can only be read on the premises and only at
weekends: there are no lending rights. Visitors come from all over the
United States. On some weekends a couple of of dozen might turn up, on
other weekends, especially in the winter, none at all.
Browsing through the collection is an illuminating experience:
sometimes moving, sometimes hilarious, sometimes like talking to a deluded
person at a bus stop. Works include the breathless "Cynthia and the Blue
Cat's Last Meow" by Jeff May ("We stood on the edge, our naked bodies
white in the white moonlight, lingering. Cynthia took my hand...").
Another, by Richard F G Grant, is a proposal for for a form of space
travel with improved mileage per gallon: "Theory, Design and Application
of a Photocombustion Reactor".
One English work is "Moon Harvest" by E J Nickson of London, a novel
set in a world in which Atlantis survived to become the dominant power.
"If it is found to be too confusing, Chapter Seventeen can be omitted
without losing track of critical events in the narrative", Mr Nickson
writes helpfully. "But I would not recommend it."
Chapter Seventeen, "From Archive to Woodlouse", has long passages
discussing the nature of reality: "So is it that this 'super-universe'
which our real world forms part of, or is a cross-section of, is the more
real [or] is it that this is reality, even though we can't directly
experience it?
"Lloyd stroked his chin: 'I don't know that I can give you a simple
answer to that one'."
Several books are of near-publishable quality, moving, but hopelessly
uncommercial, wry or touching reminiscences of ordinary lives. One of the
best is "Autobiography of a Nobody" by Mrs Etherly Murray. "Growing up
during the depression wasn't so bad - we ate a lot of onion sandwiches...
I grew up in Altoona, Pennsylvania. Luckily, Hitler's plans to bomb this
important railroad town were aborted..."
Mrs Murray, a widow who had never heard of Brautigan, hawked her book
around the publishers for years. "I always thought I had a book in me",
she said by telephone. "I sent the book to, oh I don't know, maybe 40
publishers. They were very nice. They said that they liked it and all of
that but there was no sale for it because nobody had heard of me... It can
break your heart. When I heard about the library in Vermont, I sent it to
them. At least I had something for all my work."
The library depends entirely on word of mouth, and news stories, to
reach potential contributors. The arrival rate of manuscripts has slowed
somewhat in the second year, but each mention in the press brings in a new
trickle of enquiries. Mr Lockwood says further books from England would
be especially welcome. (Tel: 802-658-4775. PO Box 521, Burlington,
Vermont, 05402, USA. Enclose $2.00 to receive a writer's kit.)
There are tentative plans afoot in Hollywood to make a movie about
the Brautigan Library - a love story. If the project goes ahead, art
would be imitating life imitating art. Mr Lockwood believes that Richard
Brautigan might have approved of that.
THE INDEPENDENT ON SUNDAY, 14/06/92
Richard Brautigan was born in the Pacific North-West in 1935, and
lived in San Francisco. His novels include "Trout Fishing in America",
"In Watermelon Sugar", "A Confederate General From Big Sur", "The
Abortion: A Historical Romance 1966", "The Hawkline Monster: A Gothic
Western", "Willard and his Bowling Trophies", "Somrero Fallout: a Japanese
Novel" and "Dreaming of Babylon". He has also written "Revenge of the
Lawn", a collection of short stories, and "The Pill Versus the Springhill
Mining Disaster", a book of poems. I don't know if it's still true, but
his books used to be published in paperback by Picador. JFW
~~~~~eof~~~~~